Saturday, December 03, 2005

Rudolph, the dried up reindeer.

Typical,just bloody typical.

Just when I try to cut down on my fat and booze intake, this arrives as a present for me from distant relations.

Two artery cloggers. (Finest Spanish Chorizo)

One liver smasher. (Bottle of Spanish Valdepenas Red)

And wait for it....

One packet of dried reindeer. (Wild Chips)

Yes, you read it right. Dried bloody reindeer.

This apparently is lean and rich in protein and energy and is produced by the oldest methods known to man:drying,smoking and salting.
Probably the oldest snack in the world.

The packet of "Wild Chips" states it is a tasty lean delicacy with the right chewing gum sensation and enjoyed by man since the Vikings used it on their long sea voyages.Dried wild reindeer meat has,because of its low weight compared to with high nutritional value at all times has been used at tough and demanding expeditions where light packing has been necessary.

Probably the most natural product there is.

Yes, well maybe in countries where you round up Rudolph and his mates,bludgeon them,dry em,smoke em and salt them it is.And I haven't any long sea voyages planned.

Its terrible, who could do such a thing???

Fancy chewing on old Red Nose so soon to Christmas???

Think of my cholestrol levels????

Your bloody right, its disgusting.

I'm keeping the chorizo and wine till my blood is less thick.(next test 12 weeks time!)

The kids can chew on Rudolph for supper on Christmas Eve.


Blogger garfer said...

Less of this descriptive bollocks. Get chomping,

11:58 PM  
Blogger Sniffy said...

You never know, dried Rudolph might actually be quite good for reducing your cholesterol levels. Also, I'm sure that if you drink your bottle of wine over the course of 3 or 4 days, it'll actually help in your quest to gain biochemical fitness.

12:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It must be because I'm a Canadian but I honestly don't consider reindeer jerki disgusting. It sounds rather yummy. I love jerki and it's very addictive. Give it a go.


1:48 AM  
Blogger Herge Smith said...

Ahhh, but the best way to be thin is be happy* - and that little lot will give you get happiness as you eat them.

*also avoid fatty foods like the fucking plague.

10:28 AM  
Blogger Sniffy said...

It's such a fucked up world when everything that's nice and has flavour or make you feel good is actually terribly bad for you.

I quite like the idea of dried rudolph too.

11:50 AM  
Blogger Aginoth said...

Send rudolph to me, i'll eat him :o)


12:01 PM  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy said...

Dried reindeer? That's fucking disgusting.

Eat it! And post pics of it coming back out of your botty.

4:28 PM  
Blogger frobisher said...

Mind you that Chorizo does look like a shrink wrapped jobbie.

4:52 PM  
Blogger suburban wonder said...

Rudolph jerky sounds great to me. Yum!

8:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lucky you, chorizo lasts about 10 seconds in our house cos we all love it ... so if you don't want it we'll screw up our cholestral as a christmas pressie to you.

10:57 AM  
Blogger helen said...

I don't quite see how eating reindeer is any different to eating cow.

More importantly - no booze in the last few weeks before Xmas? It's only red wine. Very good for you, you know.

8:42 PM  
Blogger pissoff said...

C'mon slacker... where the hell are you?

2:20 PM  
Blogger garfer said...

Where the fuck art thou Cold Earth?
Have you witnessed a visitation from the Virgin Mary in your Weetabix and joined a nunnery?

11:34 AM  
Blogger funny thing said...

There's a nest of baby reindeer somewhere crying "When's Mummy coming home?" and all the poor orphan baby things will slowly starve to death unless they can quickly find a chipshop and a paper round to fund their eating habit...

3:00 PM  
Blogger Aginoth said...

So when are you gonna send out the samples of rudolph ;o)

8:19 PM  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy said...


Are you dead?

If so, knock three times on the monitor.

If not, pull yer finger out of yer arse and tap the keyboard.

Lazy cunt.

1:47 AM  
Blogger Sniffy said...

Yes, where the fuck have you gone? Are you sulking because you can't have an Ulster fry for your Christmas breakfast?

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy said...

I reckon that last slice of streaky bacon (which is even worse than that shite they have the cheek to call 'bacon' in Canada and the States) has done him in.

Or maybe he's suffering from the curse of Rudolph. Vengeful little antlerred (is that a word?) cunt.

I know! Let's play a game of 'How did Coldearth The Stupid Irish Daddy Snuff It'!

It could be like 'operation' or something. No, that's wrong... It could be like 'autopsy'. Yes.

I claim copyright on the forthcoming smash hit electronic board game 'Autopsy' - fantastic gory detective work for all the family. Who will be first to discover the cause of death?

*complete with realistic defecation, crying families and swollen liver*

*liver and batteries not included*

9:57 AM  
Blogger garfer said...

Perhaps Cold Earth has eaten to many Ulster frys and has been rushed into hospital for an urgent triple heart bypass.

Get well soon Cold Earth.

11:15 AM  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy said...

Is he doing this on purpose? Getting us all worried?

Maybe he's been abducted by aliens?

Has anyone emailed him, just to check that he's really still not dead?

2:45 PM  
Blogger pissoff said...

Cold Earth... come out, come out wherever you are!

3:31 PM  
Blogger suburban wonder said...


Miss you.

3:34 AM  
Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy said...

Maybe he's gone off to join the Muppets?

Or has he had the phone cut off?

Or his hands? Or his head? Maybe even his willy (a man can't function without a willy).

Maybe he's turned to stone!

I'm sorta going with the Muppets one at the moment. It seems most plausible.

3:10 PM  
Blogger Aginoth said...

Perhaps the Reindeer didn't agree with coldearth...

Is there anybody there?

8:15 AM  
Blogger garfer said...

Perhaps Santa's little helpers have abducted him. They don't take kindly to Reindeer abuse you know.

7:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cold Earth... don't be so inconsiderate. At least stop by and let us know your alive - unless you're dead of course.


8:17 PM  
Blogger garfer said...

Have you been buried alive cold earth? Is that your fingernails I can hear scraping against the coffin lid?

What was that? I must be imagining things.

9:21 PM  
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3:28 PM  
Blogger Rowan said...

LMAO are you going to tell them it's rudie?

8:50 PM  
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12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A. the swedish reindeers aren't wild, they are hearded by the Samis.
B. the reindeer (ren in swedish) has a really good tasting meat.
C. What do you have against Swedish traditions like dried reindeer and Surströmming and so on??

11:47 AM  
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Anonymous Userdan said...

oooo...Drama queen...
Less cultural tabboing - more chewing.

6:23 PM  
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